Miscreants and Miscreations
by Lawrence Vivisected
Summary: Yes, the spawn of Yagami and Lawliet blood was more a bundle of horrors than joy. NOT mpreg.


**Miscreants and Miscreations**

Many have wondered how L and Light could have a child without resorting to m-preg or adoption. Ladies and gentlemen, I have found a way…unless someone else has done it my way, too. Then, boy, will my face be red!

Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with _Death Note_ in any way.

***

**Prelude: Womb**

***

The Shinigami King was quite pleased with his work. It had taken awhile, but after some conferring with other gods, concentration, and plenty of conscious effort, he had sculpted _it_. The King peered down, marveling at his creation. _It_ was a flawless mimicry. _It_ held knowledge and wisdom beyond the grasp of petty mortals. _It _would be a catalyst, the beginning of more fun and horrors. _It _was the perfect being.

_It_ cooed at the monstrous figure hanging above, and the King could not help but chortle at the wobbly, jelly-like, travel-sized human that reached up to tug at his hands.

Ironic how the perfect being was in the design of man.

All the same, it was the King's best product yet, second only to the Death Note, the book that was as beautiful as it was black. Beautifully dark eyes fluttered sleepily, pink mouth babbled musical nonsense, auburn hair shone even in the grey light of the Realm-- sheep's clothing that would serve it well. It had all the beauty and charm of a Shinigami under all that meat and yellow skin.

"Beyondormason," the King called, his voice ringing in the stark landscape of Mu. "Hey, Beyondormason..."

There was no reaction for a solid minute. _Lazy, good-for-nothing children, this fleshy human would answer much faster than all of you lot put to--_

The croak resounded immediately and sardonically: "Yes, Your _Majesty_?" Armonia appeared like lightning, jewels glinting as he moved forward to genuflect (imperceptibly). He stared bitterly at the King and the infant lying uselessly on the ground. If that look was anything to go by, then it meant that this whole thing was dealing a beating to Armonia's ego...or the King was thinking out loud again. Oops. How horrible, the things one did in old age.

Bastards deserved his abuse, anyway.

"The bassinet," the eldest Shinigami rumbled. "You have the bassinet, don't you?"

Indeed he did. Stepping carefully towards the newborn, as if it would bite him if he came too near, Armonia gingerly set the bassinet on the ground and stepped back. He waited in silence.

"Fool!" thundered the King. "One so intelligent as yourself should have no problem with thinking to place the babe in the bassinet! You are called my right-hand man, eh? An elite Shinigami, eh? I do not believe it!"

"You are the one who appointed me, Your Majesty."

"Lies!"

Grumbling, Armonia took up the miniature ape thing in his arms (didn't these guys usually have more hair on them?) and plopped it on top of the blankets. The wriggly piece of flesh giggled.

"Beyondormason! _Do not damage the merchandise!_"

"_Yes_, King."

"The note! Do not forget the note, Beyondormason!"

"Yes, I have it right here. Look, I am placing it inside."

"Remove it from the human's mouth, Beyondormason, or else it can not breathe!"

"Ah, yes, I forget sometimes. Humans are so strange."

"No, not on its face!"

"Yes, yes, fine, I will put it here on its stomach."

"Wrap it up tight, Beyondormason. Tight now. No, now it's turning blue."

"Like this?"

"Beyondormason, I will demote you on top of making you go through third level torture-- oh, there you go."

Lurching away in his dejection, Armonia Justin Beyondormason held the cradle distinctly away from his body. "I'm off, then." He halted abruptly and looked over his shoulder at the ruler of the Realm.

"Are you sure we can't just let Ryuk do this? He was rather eager for this assignment, anyway, and it's not like--"

"The clown is so prone to 'losing' his possessions I shiver to think what would happen to it. No, no, no, you will do it, Beyondormason. Your track record is much better than worthless Ryuk."

Armonia glared at the swaddled infant. The brat had better be grateful that _this_ Shinigami cared for his reputation. He unfurled his wings, swooped out of Mu without so much a "Later," and was soon drifting lazily over Tokyo. Not for the first time he wondered just _what_ the King was up to. This silly thing Ryuk had contrived with the Kira human had been mildly amusing for a minute, but it shortly was tarnished by reality: Kira was human, and therefore would not survive very long. Besides, Armonia was above the juvenile games of the other Shinigami, trapped in their perpetual childhood. "Absolute rubbish," as a former Death Note user had always said of humanity to Armonia. The adjective applied to Gods of death too, apparently.

The sky's grey shades deepened to black and Armonia grew nervous. The King would never forgive him if his project was destroyed mere days after completion. Did humans hate rain? Did they dissolve in it? What about lightning? They didn't like lightning, did they? He got his answer with the first bout of the cannonade, when the pink monkey began to thrash and cry in its blankets. The cries grew louder and louder, enough to deafen the thunderclaps and the rushing celestial waterfall, enough to bud madness.

Armonia loosened his grip on the bassinet. Third level torture didn't sound too bad.

***

Yes, so, this was just a little thing I dreamed up. Just the intro. I'll be working on this sparingly, probably. It depends on its popularity. I'm a bad, bad person for starting a new story. But damn, do I love the Shinigami. They should all have their own spin-off series.

In other news, all they do on Nip/Tuck is go at it. Lordy.


End file.
